Ain't that the truth. Sigh.

Truth time.

i dont want my daughter to look anything like me because im not pretty. i've never be considered beautiful by any means. pretty average looking. Ive more gotten attention for having a large chest and for being kinda loud and out going. in fact it has been pointed out to me thats the reason male attention is directed my way because of having larger breast. im okay with that. since finding out this is going to be a girl its been on my mind. i want her, just like kade and landon to always be confident. since being here in alabama kade has come home feeling less then because hes not black or white, that hes mexican. I dont want him to be ashamed of who he is but i know where hes coming from. Ive always wished my skin tone was lighter. i feel like ive failed him because ive pasted on part of me that i cant change and that i dont like about myslef. i think hes beautiful and i was greatful that he is lighter then me, i guess not enough though for him to not feel the same way that ive felt. i dont really know what else to say. I guess i'll sleep on it. guidance?

Time for a change, or change comes with time?

So were here...well we've been here for a week Monday. Its hot and muggy. 'Nuff said? The rain helps bring the temperature down but with that comes even more mugginess. BLEH! The trip went fairly smoothly. I had slight coronaries with the amount of times we had to stop and  fuel up. It was a pleasant surprise though that the farther away from CO the more the gas prices dropped. The gas station sign right by our house reads 3.19 for regular. I wonder what the prices are doing back home? Here they have been dropping, when we got here they were 3.30. I'm quickly learning my way around but its just weird being here. Its weird that I can't just drive to my moms house for a visit and that there aren't any mountains here.=[ [Now for a small session of Kids Say the Darnedest Things. Landon was asking me before we moved if once we moved there we could go muddin and 4wheeling. I told him that there wasn't really any mountains there and he replied. WHAT?!!? No mountains. Ught uhhh I am NOT going to live in a place without mountains! Are they broken or something?]

2100sqft of loveliness is what I call my new home. Its seriously gorgeous. The only things that need to be done are reviving some of the law and kicking some cactus to thee curb. Aren't you jealous? Leaving them would be an accident waiting to happen between the dogs and kiddos. I hear you can send them in to shock and kill them by giving them too much water. Can you believe that? Made me giggle.

What else is new? Not too much. Can't wait for JPPSO to bring all of our stuff so we can start making the house a home and for Brian to sign in and get SRP over with so we can get our moving allowance. Guess what we get to spend our money on?! No no nothing exotic nor overly fun. Drum roll please....washer, dryer, and fridge since that's what our house is lacking. That is where my OCD came in handy. I refused to move  until all the laundry was washed and dryed. Granted that wont help with our food cooling needs but that's where Rentacenter helps. Oh well at least after all this I will have them paid off and mine for ever and ever and everrr!!!

Oh oh oh!!! Brian made points! Can you say Sergeant Ingraldi??! Well that's all for now. I hope everyone back home is doing well. As soon as I have updates on the baby I'll post.

Life isn't always beautiful, sigh.

So yeah. I have become acutely aware of this of late. I don't know if its the stress of the 2 moves (to my mom's house and then to GA on the 17th) but seriously I feel so drained and disconnected. I feel like I really don't have anyone to talk to and all I really need is just to a cry-fest. Just let all the frustrations and stress out without judgement. I don't know what's changed between us. He would rather be on his phone playing stupid shit or searching for shit he doesn't need on Craigslist. I try to talk and all that results is shit getting blamed on hormones or that I am personally attacking him. I can sit right next to him and not even get acknowledged. It feels like the only time I get to feel like I'm something, like I am in part of a relationship is when we're around certain people. I don't know whats changed? It just makes me so mad. I have always been one of those people that you can't just say I love you too or buy things for me to feel loved, I need the physical attention. I know that makes me needier then others and in turn more difficult to be with. I try so hard to show everyone that mean anything to me that they are cared for and loved and wanted. Maybe I am setting my boys up for failure with that notion that the only they are loved is if someone shows them love in that particular way but its the only I know. As for the move, I realize that's what comes with when you are with a military man but damnit I would love to hear something other then that as a response when someone asks me how I feel about moving. I'm hoping that after all the stressers are resolved that things might go back to some sort of normalcy.

Promises of tomorrow don't always get you through tonight.

This just in.

Brian, dear Brian, just informed me that he has tried the pets treats "to make sure they are good." This is what I am married too... Yep. Shockingly, I'm not really that surprised.

So here's whats new with us. We're starting the moving proses. Sigh, yes this again. Oh how I enjoy tearing down and shifting everything. My house my be a freaking mess but damn it, I know where everything is in my cluttered chaos. We have 10 days to pull this off. We need to get out of the apartment on the first. Oh here's the best part. The "Army" is moving all of our big things but since we had false information we get to move everything to my mom's home then they are going to come to her house to repack everything that I am already packing. Happy happy joy joy.

Side note. It warms my heart that we can be there for people, helping them out when they need it but as soon as we ask for help we get a sure man and not even a day later BLAM, uh sorry I have other shit going on. How precious are they.

I'm hoping that this time we stick to one home for more then a year. Wait. Do I? This means actually living in GA when I really don't even have any desire to visit there. trying to think of positives. Ummm ummm ummm ummm ummm. I hear there are a few really gorgeous places out in the country. Florida and the shore aren't too far away. Yeah that's all I got. Mmkay well I feel better. Until next time.

Oh oh oh. We got to see baby last Monday! Everything is going and growing as it should. Saw a little heart beats. It was really touching to see Bry get so excited over just a little spot on a computer screen. Never got to experience excitement from the male said of the equation.

There's nothing that I do better then revenge.

Aw my comedic relief for tonight

Bwahahaha. So Landon just spent the last 10 minutes on the pot. While he was washing his hands we reminded him to flush the toilet. He ran over and did it and yell bye bye snake-y while laughing maniacly. This kid its too much sometimes.

It's all over but the crying.

Something to cheer up a sad day.

I love the fact that (not so) little bitty Landon likes to eat with utensils that are obviously way to big for his little mouth.




.rest.in.peace.small bitty little soul.

Hello litle love of mine.

Hello my little rosebud. Its your mommy. I realize right now your too small to hear me so I'll talk to your soul that's floating around where ever souls do their little souly thing. I can't wait till I can feel you move around and kick. It almost hasn't even set in that I'm carrying you. My bubbies hurt, that's all that is different. I wonder what you will be like. Will you be outgoing like Landon or quiet like Kaden? (Those are your big brothers by the way.) We can't wait to meet you. If you're a little miss your name will be Helena Esabella or if you decide to grow a sprout its going to Xerek Asher. Will you look like daddy or me? What wil you go up to be? Will I be able to show all three of you how very much I love each of you?
I love you.
Mommy

4:33

Seriously. That ^ is the freaking time right now. In the AM and I have still yet to sleep today. WHY??!?!?! Ohhhh why me? Oh yes, I remember now. Its one of the strange "symptoms" that have come along with this pregnancy. Yep that's right. Pregnancy. For one YAY!!!! Lets celebrate for 3.2 seconds. Yippy, hurrah, huzzah and other excited sounding hooplar! We're pregnant, we're pregnant! Didn't take any time at all for the lovely and I. He came home March 10th and we found out I was preggers April 1st. That was fun telling people on April Fools Day of all days. Today I am 7 weeks and 5 days along. Landon is thrilled about the rosebud. He gets up every morning feeling like P Diddy (Oh wait no, that's not right. Sorry I got distracted) bright eyed and bushy tailed with good mornings to me and my tummy. Kado I'm not too sure about. He makes sure Landon doesn't get too rowdy because he's convinced that Landon will break the baby's ears off if it gets to loud but other then that he doesn't say much. I've gone to the 1st OB appointment and it was uneventful other then the labs and NASTY glucose test. We (and when I say we, I mean me and hopefully Brian) get to see our little rosebud on the 16th of this month. We both really have our heart set on a baby girl but as long as the baby is healthy then obviously we're more then over joyed! It's due to come join our family the 9th of Dec. Which by the way urghhh. That just made me think of something. Summer pregnancy in GA. Doesn't that sound like so much fun!? No, not really. Maybe I should join Bry at Ft Benning after I have the baby. I wonder how he would feel about that one? I'm guessing that one probably wouldn't go over too well. Oh well, its was nice thought. Bleh. Ramble ramble ramble. That's all this post is but what do you expect out of me after no sleep? I think I shall try and get 2 hours of  sleep before I need to get up and start my day. Here's to the new baby and hoping that this whole pregnancy isn't insomniac ridden.

XO Cris

I cried because I had no shoes, then I met a man who had no feet.

Its funny how actually opening your eyes to the world around you makes you realize how blessed you really are.

So there I walking around Petsmart lost in my own little curse the dogs world thinking to myself how the hell I was going to get the stains out from the carpet when I came upon a man in the check out line pushing a buggie with a new baby bundled up inside. It was clear the he was in the military, once you've been with a military man you can spot them like Manolo Blahnik in a sea of Payless or for you fashion challenged, a windows in a sea of macs, ew..anyways back to what I was saying. They have a certain "swagga" to them with a touch of cocky thrown in. Out of no where Landon says "What happen to his feets?" What happened to be going on with his 'feets' was that he was a double amputee. In addition to the obvious prosthesis because he was wearing shorts, they were wrapped ACU pattern. Those words of course caused me to immediately blush followed by a quick "I'm not sure baby." He walked away before I was able to say a word to him. I promptly checked out and walked my purchases to the trunk of my car and got the boys and myself in. What do you say to that innocent of a question. It wasn't hateful or judgmental, it was because he had never seen anything like that before but at the same time it was a rude comment. Now here comes the hard task. To tactfully explain to him that there is a time and place for those sort of questions and more importantly trying to explain to him that more then likely it was a horrible accident and furthermore that it might have happened during his duty. Maybe it is because Bry is due home in a day or two from Iraq or because I just finished with the parade of roses but it was too much for me to handle. I completely fell apart. The thought of that could easily happen to our family was just to much to handle. When we got home me and him sat out and I explained to him why his legs were like that and got on the internet to show him more pictures of prosthesis'. I told Landon that he lost his legs because he was strong enough to live without and that there is nothing that he should be scared about.

TO THIS MAN THAT HAS UNKNOWINGLY TOUCHED MY LIFE AND SEE HOW BLESS I TRULY AM, THANK YOU.

Baby is the new it item.

I love how the teenagers are cam-whoring it up with their bellies protruding.

Almost makes me think it was better when they were ostracized for getting pregnant as a teenager, instead of now when they're practically praised. You have Bristal Palin, The 16 and Pregnant girls, its been celebritized. Its unreal. I know I WAS A TEEN MOM, I was 17 when I had Kade, but damn when people started finding out I was so embarrassed of what people would think of me and what they would say. Not these girls, they are proud at being knocked up at eleventeen. Being able to dress that belly cutesy and to have that perfect baby bumps are first priority. 

 Then their delusions continue with the importance of making sure the baby has designer clothes and a cute pink Coach diaper bag. And on who's dime? Their high school part time job isn't going to able to afford that. What about the boyfriend AKA baby daddy. Mommy, Daddy??? Er wait is it Grandma, Grandpa??? 

 

This is going to sound so snotty of me but I have stopped going to the south mall (its more of the "teenage mall") because all the ghetto fabulous bellies parading around with their friends pushing around their little sometimes pride and joys. 

Crazier then witnessing the multiple herds of  baby parades is that they try to look cute and sexy while pushing these strollers and rocking their bumps. Like "Hey fellow male mall rats, take a look at this prime real estate." Miraculously the baby daddy's are no where to be found. You have 4-7 girls all in the same boat and at least 6 of these groups. What does the future hold for theses accessories...er I mean babies?

Alo neglected blog.

I haven't actually posted on here forever, not to say that I was ever a avid blog poster to began with. Because it is still in the infant stages of the year 2011, here is my very belated resolution. TO POST MORE. Not because I have anything particularly interesting to put out, or because I have a a gaggle of readers that I have thus far abandon but, because, gosh darn it, I enjoy hearing myself talk sometimes. It feels nice to share even if no one is really listening. So here it goes.

Today is my Gotcha day. So what is that? Its something that I am pretty sure my mum invented. It has to be my favorite holiday. It was the day I was adopted. Well, more like the day she came to Mexico and retrieved me. Our celebrations consist of going out to eat/getting take out, a small gift, then usually cuppy cakes! To me, this day is coupled with a sense of superiority. I mean come on, its an exclusive holiday that us "children of the heart instead of the womb" get to party to. Nothing makes your feel more important then having an appreciation day. So basically kinda like a birthday but way more awesome! I remember growing up that I used to brag to my friends about February 6th. Of course they all pretty much thought I/this day was lame but I chopped up to jealously. Most children are surprises, I was carefully thought out and "invested in." Even now it has become a joke to laugh at the boys since they don't have a Gotcha day. (So ha haha ha ha boys YOU'RE  MISSING OUT!) Perhaps someday I will be able to share a Gotcha day with one of my children? Only time will tell, but for now it is my special day. =]

Okay time for a random thought: I swear even my dogs can back talk in their own special doggy sort of way. I yelled "down" to them just a moment ago because the pampered pet that they are, like being on couches and beds. So what do they do? They lay down!

Well goodbye lovelies, off I shall go to enjoy my night. 

Oh man is my son a packrat. He asked his teacher for tape and she gave it to him. Note this was at between 830 and 12 am and he just now at 655 pm he whips it out it us in one of his inventions. Wow.

As of late.k

okay... so my damn monitor took a shit. tonight. r.i.p. dear screen. it was good while it lasted. i got an android phone. its pretty much everything i want it to be. the only complaint is no spell check. urhg. so t is done with j. now t is with d. they... t and j are still going on with the wedding... he asked d to go. im trying to get out of this stupid apartment... hopefully it works. um. so yeah. still waiting on child support. my things from brandon. my rug from christina. i have baby fever. i need a cure. fast. thats the last thing i need. um...yeah. something change.

The nothingness

I have never been something to be proud of. I fear I will never be anything or anyone to be proud of. Hopefully this wont rub off on my boys. I want them to do so much better in life then I have. 

-FIn

My god my legs hurt...

It was soo wow, but now ow!

So I have come to a new conclusion this morning that to believe in God you almost have to believe that in the end, this being, deities, holy entity, what have you, is evil. I understand that you can't have good without evil. But anyways let me explain. My really good friend Manda has been telling me about her best friend from back homes sister. The poor girl had H1N1 whilst pregnant and that has completely ruined her world not to mention her families. They had to removed the baby really early, to remove the baby they had to put the girl into a self induced coma, that was in the middle of Sept, she has just come out of the coma like maybe a week ago. Oh but it gets worst. Now that shes awake the doctors are telling the family pretty much that shes brain dead, she cant talk and at this point shaking her head yes and no are the biggest accomplishments ever. She keeps getting pneumonia, her hearts starting to fail, her body isn't strong enough to fight all of this. The father, that girls husband, the one that is cheating on her while all this is going on decided to be a dick and names Jenn's new baby, thats her name by the way, his girlfriends name. Not the name that they had been talking about forever of naming the baby. Seriously? Lets name your child that you have with one woman, your affairs middle name. And on top of the he has her 3 other girls Living with him and his girlfriend and this bitch has the skewed notion in her crazy delusional head that these girls as well as this new baby are her children. But anyways back to what i was saying, this family, on Jenn's side, have had there whole life ripped away, they have lost their daughter, 4 grandchildren and now has to deal with knowing that those children aren't going to be raised right nor have the love that they need. Oh and to put the cherry on top they have a massive amount of medical bills. Why would a being with such unlimited power fuck these people over so bad?

Okay well I'm losing my want to write.

Fin.

Holy FUCKING shit on a stick.

Okay so Halloween started out slow and lame and then it turned out to be pretty tight. Kaden was an awesome Zombie, Landon was a cute and cuddly lion. Cuteness! We went over to my mutha's hizouse for like a little "party" mainly for the boys. Then we went to the YMCA. wow was that a fucking adventure. They had a couple of lame art projects and even lamer "face painter" I use that word warily because the fact that the brood didn't even know how to draw on a lion nose on Landon, a few brown scribbles on his nose and she was done. WTF? Is it that hard to fucking drawn an upside down triangle? Hmm. Then we witnessed an obese Wonder woman with a camel toe I didn't even know could exist. Walked just a bit more then saw a cowgirl with shorts as short as the Dallas Cowgirls thigh high lag chaps, and a halter crop top on, cute right? Hell no the LITTLE girl was no older then 7. Her daddy happily parading his daughter around. ???

Anyways we left there ate pizza and then went trick-o-treating for like an hour. God yummy candy and went home. It could have been better but it could have been a lot worst.

So... Harding calls bitching about this and that. telling me that it must be nice to fucking have a boyfriend to pay for my rent and fucking child support to live a kings lifestyle. I finally had it with him. Told him that we weren't living this extravagant lifestyle. Fuck. I'm barely getting by. My bills get paid I barely get grocery's and then the moneys gone. FYI its not like I have a million different bills for the ridiculous things. I have rent, utilities and a fucking phone bill. Wow, yeah the fucking lifestyle I live.

Besides that though, him saying HE HAS ALWAYS TAKING CARE OF HIS "BOYS". Mother fucker don't make me laugh. 'Raldi was the one making sure that the boys have always had what they needed. Made sure there was fucking food on the table when Harding was pulling the well I've give you $50 here, 75 there. Fuck you. All these people are trying to get into this just so they can have there say. What does it matter? He has been a dirt bag and will always be one. He wants to fucking pay for only Landon and have access to Kaden, doesn't want to try to get a paternity test or to pay for him. Thats not how it works.

Oh yeah and now the arrogant bastard says that he never denied Kaden was his nor that he said that he didn't want to pay for something that he didn't want. Fucking liar. Just leave me be. If Kaden means that much to you get the paternity test. Doubt he will.

Heres to the douche bag extraordinair.

All Saints Day?

Okay so holy shit I have been waiting for this epicness to come out ever since I saw the original Boondock Saints. Twas love at first sight. I had been hearing about a possible second one to come but everyone I had talked to about it had said that everybody had been saying that a squeal was gonna come out since the first one hit theaters and not to get my hopes up. Well today I was a'browsing muh Myspace and one of my friends posted a bulletin asking if anyone knew where it would be playing this weekend. Of course googling had to be done and I found the Sony website actually had a page for it, trailer and all. Says that its due out Oct 30th. One effing glitch. The theater schedule list has no Colorado theaters playing it. Okay so one of two things that i am hoping for; Either its like Paranormal Activity and I just have to vote and WAIT for it to come to my city, or that they are just slowing opening it across the country.  Please let one be true! I do not want to have to wait to see it on DVD! My TV is small and shitty for one and I firmly believe that something of this caliper of awesomeness must be witnessed at the cinema. The deafening bangs must be theater loud not crappy TV loud! Please come to Colorado!